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Pleasing a woman

ICE

ICE

MODERATOR
Staff member
Joined
Jun 23, 2011
Messages
13,920
Location
California
is not always a smart move.

My wife talked me into exploring my feminine side. I made an honest effort. I must say, you ladies don't have it easy at all. I know there are perks, like what you get away with while driving/aiming a car and that photographic memory complete with audio is pretty cool but Golly Miss Molly, some of the other stuff is a mind bender. It really hit home when I was at Wal-Mart buying boxers. I couldn't decide on which color. I hadn't ever noticed that they came in colors before. Well I suppose I noticed but it never occurred to me to pick one.

I felt the symptoms of a panic attack over the angst of buying underwear but the scariest part was right around the corner. It struck when I thought out-loud, "I can try them on when I get home and return them tomorrow if I don't like them." That freaked me out. I got out of the store fast. Maybe a little too fast because a security guard followed me out to my ride.

I am back to below normal now and I know this because of what I did last night. My wife was more than a little angry with me and she started crying. I am a bit of a pushover for a crying woman.

All I wanted to do was get her mind off the trouble I was in and stop the crying so I said "Oh honey, please stop crying, you know it makes you look fat when you cry".

Any male with even a trace of a feminine side couldn't do that. Hooray, I'm cured. Well there's the physical injuries but for a while there, I was worried about my mind.

For any of you men that might try this, here's a few pointers. You must be standing. Don't do it if she is between you and the door and try to have the door open. Trust me on this....the line works! She will immediately forget what she was mad about and they can't snarl and cry at the same time, but gosh does it set them off. Oh! I almost forgot, well in my case I did forget,.....that bat you keep next to the door..... hide it.

Tiger
 
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The vet says that the cast can't come off for six weeks. I can run on three but climbing a tree is out. My buddy, he's married too so this is no picnic in the park.
 
Well ICE its worse than that

Since the dawn of the male femminine side there came the metro sexual - Hence the choice of color in underware.,

light low carb beer,

The man of the new millineum is actually

A woman Trapped in a mans body who likes women. AKA the Male Lesbian.

DOn't even try to wrap your head around that!
 
Hmmm appears Ice does not need help getting in trouble, my buddy at work Electrical BOB's wife (great sense of humor) sent me these.

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his

drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he

hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started...
 
Architect1281 said:
Hmmm appears Ice does not need help getting in trouble, my buddy at work Electrical BOB's wife (great sense of humor) sent me these.HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his

drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he

hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started...
Click to expand...
Very Choice! Stolen and forwarded every where I can think of!

Thanks

Bill
 
That guy deserves what he got. I, being a warm and fuzzy male person, got my girlfriend the perfect gift. A portable toilet for hunting camp. She likes it, her daughter likes it, our grandaughter likes it and I even like it. And every deer and elk hunt, I prove my love by emptying the bucket.
 
fireguy said:
... And every deer and elk hunt, I prove my love by emptying the bucket.
Click to expand...
Not to mention their proof, namely they need you to empty the bucket, back at home the stuff just disappears!

Sorry I couldn't resist!

Bill
 
KZQuixote said:
Not to mention their proof, namely they need you to empty the bucket, back at home the stuff just disappears!Sorry I couldn't resist!

Bill
Click to expand...
And I admitted to non-compliant waste disposal on a building inspection site! At least none of the inspectors I work with come here.
 
Did not want a lage post but feel free to steal ~ again thans to Sandra

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had

something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she

thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again

I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the

boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the

garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different

anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in

about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started......

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to

verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have

to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped

your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started...

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

AND NOW JUST TO SAFELY OFFEND ALL GROUPS

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.
 
That is when Architect1281 uses his architecture skills and with some construction buddies, build a fabulous tree house or the most kick butt "dog house" if you don't have any trees.
 
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